From Darkness....Light

I love being silly with Dada...

 

Life has been busy around here.  This has its perks, but also its pitfalls.   When you have experienced the death of someone you love, busy can be good… as it keeps your mind--and heart--occupied.   But then, when that moment of quiet comes, your breath is taken away by reality.   Such is the circle for me.  Yet the goodness that has come with the business is a gift that I am grateful for.   And the clarity that has come in my moments of silence has been enriching. 

Which leads me to one of those moments of clarity….It is a lesson I received a long time ago from a dear friend (thank you, Dave) that has taken on new meaning for me lately.  This is the lesson: you are not able to fully realize the gifts you have received from someone until after the relationship has gone through some major change…or ended.  The way I have come to understand this is that when a relationship has a certain dynamic, such as a teacher/student role (as a mom often is a teacher for her child) this dynamic remains for the life of the relationship.  But then, if some major change occurs, a new dynamic surfaces.  The student now has the space needed to put into action the lessons learned...to spread her wings and fly.  Since my Mom has died, I have noticed myself stepping out of the passive role of ‘student’, and taking on the lessons and gifts that she taught me, to a much greater extent than I ever have.  It is an interesting transition that is hard to explain.  But the gist of it is this: my Mom taught me many things, and I am grateful to now have a new perspective...and way of honoring her.

And now, here are some pictures of all the business as of late; lots of family visits, which have been great blessings…

Aunt Maureen and family came down to visit.

Cousins Claire and Connor (in front of the tree we won last year).

The gang...

We love when Aunt Bibbit (Bridget) comes down!

Getting ready for my Easter egg hunt at Aunt Lisa's.

I found one!

There's chocolate in ALL these eggs?

at Aunt Lisa's new house...

Easter morning with cousin Lindsay...

Thanks to Aunt Bibbet for Lucy's Easter dress!

Papa and Dada on Easter Day...

We love you Lucy!

Old Traditions...and the New

Happy 14th Birthday, Lindsay!

Life is now about creating new traditions, while trying to honor and maintain the old.  It is an artful dance between what the current reality is, what the past was, and what my family decides will be.   We recently danced this dance with the celebration of my niece’s fourteenth birthday.  The new:  Lucy and I going to Indy to surprise Lindsay on her special day.  The old:  making sure Lindsay knows how wonderful she is, showering her with attention, and being together as a family on an important day like the occasion of her birth.  What forever will be:  my Mom’s memory honored and preserved by the traditions she established… as they will continue on for years to come.

My Dad and Lucy, with Lindsay and her rock star friends.

Audrey, Lindsay, Olivia and Kaylee....Lucy loves you!

These cousins love each other lots!

Lucy and the Ladybug

In the past, when Lucy and I would be out and about during our day, it was not uncommon to involve my Mom in some way on our outing.  Maybe through a text, or a phone call, or a picture message…  My Mom once told me how she loved knowing what activities Lucy was involved in throughout the day; I think it helped her to feel like she was with us.   I know that is how I felt, and I loved doing it.  So recently, when Spring surfaced for a few days, I knew it was going to be emotional to take Lucy outside to play for the first time since my Mom died.  The typical call or text or picture message to her was not possible.

But then, another grace….

As soon as we walked out onto the driveway, there she was… a red ladybug.  How we saw it, I don’t know. Some of you may remember from my post in October of 2009 that there is a special connection between ladybugs and Chinese adoption.  Within the past few years, ladybugs have held a unique place in my heart.  So here Lucy and I were, just outside, huddled around our ladybug friend, talking to her, letting her crawl on our hands, watching her drop to the driveway and curl up to “go to sleep.”   Lucy’s reaction to our red friend was priceless.  Eventually, she flew away.     We looked and looked for more ladybugs- no luck.  We even looked in the days to follow….no ladybugs. 

How odd that there was this little ladybug waiting for us as soon as we ventured out on our first outing without my Mom. I soon came to realize what had happened; this creature helped me get through yet another “first” without my Mom.  She made Lucy and I laugh and enjoy a special moment.   It became crystal clear to me-- this was my Mom, in some special way, letting me know she was still right there with us.  How short-sighted of me to think otherwise.   Consistent with how things have been going lately, my Mom gave me a reminder of her presence when my earthly limitations clouded this reality.

 And then….

Two days later, Brian checked his phone messages. (Anyone who knows Brian understands why it would take him 2 days to check voice mail).  He asked, “Did you and Lucy send me a message about ladybugs?”  I immediately felt this welling up of emotion, wondering what in the world he was talking about.  It seems that somehow, with my cell phone in my pocket, among the 70+ contacts that I have, my phone dialed Brian’s # (no… I don’t have him on speed dial) and the entire priceless, three minute conversation between Lucy, the ladybug and I was all on his voice mail.   I could barely believe it.  I have listened to this message countless times, and still can’t believe it is all there.  What a blessing; for not only do I have the memory of this experience, I also have it to listen to whenever I want- just Lucy, myself, the ladybug... and my Mom, enjoying a beautiful Spring day.   

Priceless. 

God’s graces are so good.

Lucy helping with her first batch of Easter Bread.

Grammy would be so proud...

Renewed by Relationships

Lucy eating her last homemade meal from Grammy:  leftover Chinese that was in the fridge.

One of the great blessings that I have received in these past few weeks is feeling the love of my Mom through the relationships she had in her life.  I have felt God’s presence and ultimate goodness while with people whom my Mom loved, and it has renewed my spirit.

One such relationship was with Roy.  After an unfortunate accident that left him a paraplegic, Roy has been bedridden for forty years.  For thirty of those forty years, my Mom had been visiting with him in the nursing home.  She would take jokes and read them to him.  She would feed him. She would send him cards. The list goes on… Overwhelmed with sadness, but encouraged by the Holy Spirit, my Dad, Lucy and I went to visit with Roy to share the news of my Mom’s passing.  On his bedside stand was one of her famous homemade computer cards; she had sent it for Valentine’s Day. The outpouring of his emotion on the news of my Mom’s death confirmed two things for me:  the extent of my Mom’s charitable heart and the depths of her love in action to others.  I felt Jesus’ presence in the room that day, as I truly realized how much my Mom followed in His footsteps and led her life similar to how He did.  The experience has stirred me to do more and complain less.  Mostly, I am grateful to still be getting lessons from my Mom.  I have come to understand that it is through these experiences with my Mom (both in the past and future) that Lucy will come to know her Grammy.

My Mom loved this picture of Lucy:  "Butterfly Nose."

One of the things my Mom did the day she died was mail out her annual St. Patrick’s Day party invitations.  Notably, she had it written in her calendar to mail these invites the next day.  Thinking that it was no coincidence that they went out early, and after discussion with my Dad and sister, we decided to still have the party.  It was a wonderful celebration of my Mom’s life; her presence was felt everywhere.  My spirit was further renewed by hearing stories from my Mom’s friends about their relationship, seeing how important she was to so many, and feeling that love in action yet once again.  I imagine Mom may have been beaming down with pride that everyone was there, honoring her Irish tradition and celebrating her life….as some said at the party, it was a true “Irish wake.”  She wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Everyone having fun...

Lucy with Mrs. Darnell, who also has a granddaughter from China.

My Dad enjoying himself with his friends.

Lucy was so friendly, allowing many to hold her...

My niece, Lindsay, my sister, Lisa and Mr. Gorrell.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Mom!

A Mother's Love

 

Our last visit with Grammy...on Jaunary 29th.

Recently, time has unexpectedly stopped in its tracks.  It is with a heavy heart that I share that my mom passed away suddenly on February 24th.  One moment you are eating dinner with your husband, daughter and sister-in-law, and the next moment you can barely breathe.  It was that quickly that life showed its fragility...and changed forever. 

Grammy and Papa came for an over night stay last summer.

Words escape me.  There is so much I want to say about my Mom.  It seems important that I honor her here, as she  loved that I wrote this blog.  She  was quite possibly  its biggest fan.  It pains me to write this  and know she is no longer here to read it.  Living two hours apart from one another, this blog was one of the many ways that I shared  Lucy with her.  My Mom favored displaying her love for others through her actions;  one of the many ways she did this for me was by helping with this blog.  She helped set it up, published posts while I was in China, contributed through comments and occasional guest posts, and sent me cell pictures that I had taken and sent her, so that I could post them here.  Her hand print is all over these pages, not just by how she helped, but by how she inspired me and encouraged me.  Quite possibly one of the hardest parts about all of this is that Lucy will not know Grammy and all her tender, thoughtful, giving ways. 

Grammy loved to read to Lucy.

As I have been going through this immeasurable loss, I have learned many things about my Mom.  This is what has been sustaining me,  inspiring me and humbling me.  For example, she did some freelance writing on the web.  I never knew about this, nor did my siblings, as my mom was not one to boast or draw attention to herself. Her creative spirit, humor and literary expertise shines through in her writing.  Now these articles are like tiny little presents that I can open each day.   Thank you, Mom. 

She did so much to help others, and sacrificed so much for her children and grandchildren.  In these past  two weeks , my family  has learned through each other, and my mom's friends, the extent of her humility and love;  the enormity of it has  been overwhelming to me.  I view what I have learned about my  Mom as graces that God has been showering me with to help me cope.   I must remember to keep looking and listening for these graces, as they are truly gifts from above.

At a baby shower for Lucy that was given by my Mom's friends.

One of those graces was given to me on Monday this week.  As I was going through my Mom's email (to finalize/close things up) I noticed one form DaySpring, a Christian-based website.  My mom must have subscribed to their weekly devotionals.  Here is what showed up in her inbox for me to read :

Hope as You Start a New Week...

Hello You...
the one welcoming a new week and wondering what it holds.
I don't know.
But I'm certain of this-there's One who holds us.
And He promises nothing is impossible for you.
Not that mountain you're facing.
Not that task you're dreading.
Not that decision you're afraid to make.
He may not tell us the details of what's to come
but He reminds us of what's ours no matter what...
Victory.
A future.
A plan that's as good as He is.
Always.

You're Loved...
More than you know.
More than you see.
Deeper than you've dared to dream.
All you fear that might hold you back
has been wiped away, forgiven,
covered up by grace.
The One who created you,
knows you, calls you his own,
looks at you with love
and says, "You're mine forever."
Your heart has a home
and it's not a place
but a Person who will never let you go.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

I read this and thought:  Mom is still talking to me.  

One year ago, when we were home for St. Patrick's Day

There is so much more that I want to say.   But for now, this is what felt right to express.  I imagine more will come in the weeks and months to come.  Thanks to all of you who have reached out to me, sent cards or are praying.  It means so much, and provides great comfort.

She was always so happy when she was with Lucy.

Mom, you will forever be in our hearts.  We will strive to be like you.  We love you always.